The Break Up

I think for many girls, we tend to have “that movie” that always speaks to us when times get tough. Your boyfriend is acting like a douche? Pop in the dvd. You can’t say all the things you want to say to him because suddenly you’ve become mute the moment you were supposed to speak up? Just press play, ninja. Your love life is a hot mess and you wish it were halfway romantic like all those Rachel McAdams movies? Turn on that shit, please. My best friend has worn out her copy of “He’s Not That Into You” and “500 Days of Summer”. That’s how rough things have been for her.  You know what I’m talking about. Poor girl.

Now I wouldn’t say that The Break Up is “that movie” for me. But I would say that at one time, it spoke to me and for me. It voiced everything when I could not form words to explain myself because pretty much the only words that came to mind at the time were “asshole”, “douchebag”, “liar” and “bum” and the only feeling I felt at the time was rage and intense fury. My vocabulary is extensive especially when angry, I know. I didn’t go to college for nothing.

The first time I watched it, I was dating ex boyfriend #2. That was about 3 years ago. He sucked fyi. Now if you haven’t seen the movie, I’m going to ruin it for you. So if you don’t want me to destroy the whole story for you, maybe you should skip this entry.

When I was in my unhappy and unfortunately super long term relationship, I didn’t watch the same movie I watched tonight. At the time, I saw it as a release of all that I’ve felt bottled inside. I just wanted Jennifer Aniston’s character to show ex boyfriend #2 what I have been screaming to him those last few months. It just dawned on me that he probably didn’t get any of that at all. He was probably trying to get Vince Vauhn’s character to do the same thing to me. And it didn’t really work. I mean, I understood more how nagging could be annoying  when I watched it years ago but I didn’t see the big picture. Now I think I do.

Finally in a healthy, happy relationship (save the applause), I found the whole movie…stupid, quite frankly. It didn’t make it a bad movie. It just made it inapplicable to me. I don’t mean to say my relationship is perfect or that I don’t nag or that some days he isn’t inconsiderate. We are not inhuman. But we do deal with things differently. Big problems become small and small problems become nonexistent instead of the opposite. At so many points in the movie, someone could have just extended a hand to pull the other person back. And all the other person had to do was grab onto it. But pride is always an issue. My boyfriend tells me the words “I’m sorry” mend many things and pride serves no real purpose. He’s right. When the other person (true love) becomes more important than yourself (pride), you will do the right thing. And if you haven’t or they haven’t done the right thing in the end, then you guys’ aren’t each other’s “right thing”.

The problem with relationships not working is when one person tries, the other person doesn’t. And if that other person starts to try, their partner has started to quit. It’s hard to both try at the same time.  We get lazy when things go our way and we forget.  Then at one point, both people decide to not try at the same time. That’s how break ups happen. My solution for my current relationship is to try all the time. He does the same. We fucking working over time on this shit, man.

Tonight when I watched the same exact movie I had seen years ago, I kept seeing the bad I was doing. I didn’t think “Oh, I wish my boyfriend watched and understood”.  I thought “Damn, I have potential to become that angry again”. It just reminded me to stop being so uptight and letting the small things go. In the grand scheme of things, what my boyfriend wears , what he watches etc. doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is his character and if he loves me.

The most painful lines for any woman in Brooke’s (Jennifer Aniston’s character) position throughout the movie are, in my opinion were at the beginning and at the end.

At the beginning of the movie, Brooke tells Gary “I don’t want you to do the dishes. I want you to WANT to do the dishes” and Gary tells her that no one wants to do the dishes. I think all women at one point have felt this way, no matter how great the relationship is generally speaking.  My boyfriend is a loving one.  However, as my boyfriend and I discussed this line, I realized it is most likely that all men don’t understand this concept. He has told me he would give me anything I wanted. So I guess in essence he is wanting to do the dishes for me and I have gotten what I wanted this whole time. But at the same time, he either doesn’t know I want him to do the dishes or doesn’t even realize there are dishes to be done. So I’ve developed some more understanding for him. I have decided to remind him kindly. And if he calls it nagging, I will remind him why I’ve chosen to remind him to begin with: because I was trying to be understanding towards him in the first place.

At the end, Brooke and Gary have the following conversation:

Brooke Meyers: I just don’t know how we got here. Our entire relationship, I have gone above and beyond for you, for us. I’ve cooked, I’ve picked your shit up off the floor, I’ve laid your clothes out for you like you’re a four year old. I support you, I supported your work. If we ever had dinner or anything I did the plans, I take care of everything. And I just don’t feel like you appreciate any of it. I don’t feel you appreciate me. All I want is to know, is for you to show me that you care.

Gary Grobowski: Why didn’t you just say that to me?

Brooke Meyers: I tried. I’ve tried.

I cried like a little baby at this point. No, it wasn’t because I missed my ex. No, it wasn’t because I feel this way about my current relationship. I just know how it feels. I think at times we feel we said what we needed to say but instead we’ve just said too much and the message is lost in all of it or we say it during a time that it’s hard to process or in a way that is hard to accept (aka bitchy- style). I just want to remind all my ladies (said in a creepy, deep voice), that  the best way to yield good results from a discussion is to calmly say everything. And paraphrase. Communication is key but the key won’t open the lock if you are frustrated and just jamming the key into the lock to get it to open. One day, either the key or the lock will break and then you’re just fucked. Calm down. If you don’t act like it’s a “make or break” situation, they won’t respond as if you are breaking/making them and then the result won’t be The Break Up. See what I did there? That was lame. And this post was fucking long.